Fear
by Kyprish Prophetess
Summary: Remus knows what fear looks like.
1. Chapter 1

Fear

Remus knew a lot about fear. It was what his parents eyes showed every time they looked at him. It was in the lines of Madam Pomfrey's face as she treated his wounds after the moon. He could _smell_ it in waves off of his teachers most days, especially close to the full.

And now, now he could feel that fear coming from the other three Marauders, as they'd named themselves.

It had been subtle at first, and he wouldn't have noticed it at all had they been in class. But as he'd handed a piece of chocolate to the then-sick Peter, and watched in surprise when he flinched back a bit, he'd noticed. And that instance was only the beginning.

They avoided him at almost every turn. If he went to the dorm to read, they'd wander out to get snacks from the kitchens, and not reappear for several hours. Should he appear in the Common Room, they'd go to the dorm to plot pranks in private, calling that he could finish his work before heading up, because he was so school-oriented. When he finished and went to join them, no matter how short the time was, they'd inevitably be finished with their plans already.

They'd stop talking when he walked in, switching the topic to school or Quidditch when the silence became too obvious, or immerse themselves in homework when he'd like to prank.

Really, it was quite obvious that they were terrified. And Remus could only blame the moon for it. He didn't know of anything but lycanthropy that could cause such a reaction from his normally fearless roommates. Especially from him; he'd been told he was about as threatening as a teddy bear.

So, after another attempt to talk to them, only to be blown off for Quidditch practice, he stopped altogether. Stayed in the library whenever he could, and when the stares from the other students got to be too much, he ran on the grounds. It was cold out now, nearly enough for snow, really, so he could be uninterrupted as he tried desperately to burn off the lonely cloud that washed over him.

The teachers had noticed the change; the four trouble makers became three, and the small boy in class was silent, not even raising a hand to questions they knew he could answer. The other three stayed away, barely sparing a glance at their former friend.

Other students could see it as well. Especially Slytherins, who hadn't appreciated their pranks, and were glad to take revenge now that it was only one little halfblood, instead of three with Pureblood connections. Remus avoided them too, but it was harder to avoid people actively looking for you then people that were avoiding in turn.

He limped into the Shrieking Shack, utterly exhausted already, and feeling terribly alone. He knew that was ridiculous; his… friends wouldn't have been here anyway, there was no point to feeling like something was missing.

In the end, he welcomed the forced shift of body and mind to the wolf. He fell quietly into the darkness of his mind, and knew no more.


	2. Chapter 2

Sirius never thought he would know fear. From his youth forward, he'd been foolhardy, thinking of dangers as an interesting turn from the norm instead of anything threatening.

Then he met Remus Lupin, mild-mannered werewolf living in his dorm, and he felt that foreign emotion.

It had taken them several months into third year to realize something was off, and another two to solve the mystery. They'd pulled back as they studied, avoiding mentioning to the boy that they were looking into his lies. He could see it hurt him, but when it turned out to be nothing, they could laugh it off and apologize, right?

But then they had learned what it was that drove Remus away every month, why he sometimes slept in the Hospital Wing, where he got his scars. And Sirius was fearful.

He had realized, not long after, that they had not changed their recent pattern. They avoided their roommate whenever possible, leaving him in the Common Room or dorms alone. It was terrifying, the idea of him becoming angry at their behavior, but scarier still to have him with them.

Remus, he had realized, knew that they knew. He had known from the beginning. But it had been slammed home when he had offered Peter a piece of chocolate, meant for him, and Peter had flinched away. He had seen it then, blossoming pain in amber eyes, before it was tamped down.

They didn't see him after that, except at meals and class and those rare occasions when one of them woke in the night and saw him asleep, or more often reading by candlelight. This became rarer; he was staying in the Common Room whenever possible.

He had tried to look at Remus and see the bloodlust within; tried to see beyond the shy boy to the monster within. He could not, and this scared him even more. If he was that good an actor, what couldn't he do? If nobody could see it, how much danger were they all in?

Some small part of him screamed at all this, saying that Remus wasn't acting or lying. But he couldn't see past what he'd been told him entire life about lycanthropes.

McGonagall came to get the three of them early morning after a full moon. She was grim-faced and exhausted, and he could see smears of blood littered on her dark robes.

"I realize you have not been… on good terms lately with Mr. Lupin, but as the only friends I know him to have, I wish you three to come to the Hospital Wing."

They'd followed, and Sirius' mind span. Had Remus attacked someone? Were they dying? What did that have to do with them?

They entered the Hospital, and Sirius felt his heart break.

Remus was lying on a bed behind a spelled curtain, almost entirely covered in bandages and gauze. Potions littered the table beside him, and Professor Dumbledore, Madam Pomfrey and Professor Slughorn were all collapsed around the bed, drained.

"He very nearly died last night. As it is, we aren't sure he will survive. I thought it would be nice if you could say… good-bye, should it come to that." She appeared close to tears, and joined the other teachers in the chairs around the bed. Slowly, Sirius drew forward, looking at the boy unconscious in the bed.

He looked again for that trace of a monster, some sign of inhumanity. All he could find was blood, and pain in every limb. Remus' chest barely moved as he breathed. He could see an unmarked spot, on his hip: a thinkly scarred bite mark tinged purple, with strange marks spreading from the points where fangs had pierced the skin. He'd known what a werewolf's bite looked like, but never had it seemed so damaging, and unthreatening.

Slowly, he knelt at the bedside, just looking. He heard behind him quiet movements as James and Peter moved closer, still staying outside the curtain but looking into the gap with curiosity and fear.

"What happened?" He could barely choke out the words, couldn't even turn away from the boy in fromt of him to look at the teacher that answered him.

"He was in some kind of frenzy. Bashing at walls, clawing at himself, howling. I'm afraid that we won't know why it happened until he wakes up. My research into werewolves is sadly lacking. I believed, upon his admittance, we could figure out what worked as it came up. I did not count for Mr. Lupin keeping silent." Dumbledore sighed, and there was a soft sound of fabric as he shifted in his seat.

"You three are braver than most, but I fear it was not enough. Why did you not come to me, or another teacher?" He sounded curious, but Sirius was frozen, still staring forward. This was Remus, the boy who stayed up all night worrying they'd get in trouble, who helped them with their homework even when he was about to drop from exhaustion. He'd stood up against Slytherins several years their seniors for them.

And they'd left him to them, as they'd pulled away. They hadn't asked what was true and what was false, they'd assumed he was dangerous. What kind of friends were they?

"We… figured you already knew, and… okay, I don't know." James was never good with words under pressure, and Sirius could feel his stare from behind, knew he was looking at Remus with just as much shame. Peter let out a whimper, and he could hear him moving away, towards a waste basin, most likely.

"Hm… In any case, you are all excused from classes for the day. If you wish to remain here, do so quietly. Otherwise, you may go to your dorm." He heard people walking out of the room, felt someone helping him into a chair. All he could see was scarred skin, soft breathing and blood.


	3. Chapter 3

Remus woke, slowly, too slowly, and felt wrong. Or, he felt _right_, and knew that he shouldn't.

As his mind caught up with his body, he had to stifle a groan at the pain. Everything hurt, the wolf had felt his inner turmoil and, not understanding it, had taken it out on their shared body. He knew if he had a better mental connection with the wolf it could be soothing to become it, letting human emotions go and just _be, _but he couldn't risk it. Not yet, not now, and not here.

He could tell he was in the Hospital Wing, and that it was late. He felt sluggish, and would bet he'd been here for at least a full day after the moon, maybe more. From the smell, he'd had several potions, and more than one teacher aiding his recovery.

There. That was what was wrong.

He could smell Sirius, and James and Peter further away. They'd been here, they were here, they were sitting around him in his bed, watching him sleep.

He stayed still, trying to think of why they would be there. Had he called for them in his sleep? Was it a punishment for something, to watch his battered body cling to life once again?

He heard a sharp intake of breath, and footsteps hurrying away, calling out that he was awake.

He hadn't tried hard enough to hide it, then.

He opened his eyes, and saw only Sirius, peering closely at his face. The second their gazes met, he smiled, wide in relief.

"You're awake! Madam Pomfrey said… said that you might not make it." He looked down at the sheets as he finished, and Remus stared, seeing tears drip down his nose.

"Why…" he choked on the word, throat sore. He coughed, and tried again.

"Why are you here?" Sirius looked up at him, eyes distressed but resigned, like he knew something bad was going to happen, and couldn't do anything about it. Behind him, James smiled sadly, but said nothing. They both looked exhausted, come to think of it.

"We… McGonagall brought us here after the moon, two days ago. She said that they didn't think you would make it, and wanted to give us a chance to say good bye, just in case. Dumbledore let us stay here until you woke up." He paused, meeting Remus' stare, before continuing.

"I… we all are sorry, for what's been going on. It wasn't right, we should have talked to you instead of hiding and running away. You're our friend! If… if you still want to be." Remus looked away, towards the back room where he could tell, Madam Pomfrey was waiting, to intervene if she felt something was wrong. Otherwise, she was letting them sort things out. It was nice, he supposed, but he wished she would come out now, instead.

"Is this pity?" He didn't look back, but a soft gasp gave him a good idea of their expressions.

"Is that why you stayed? Why you're not hiding anymore? Because I'm so broken I can't even defend myself _from _myself?" Because it was true; the wolf didn't hurt him unless he wanted himself to be hurt. Despite everything else, they desired the same things; freedom, acceptance, and at the moment, to be freed from his life. He didn't want to die, but sometimes it seemed like a lovely alternative.

"No! I mean…" James was speaking now, and had to remember to lower his voice. Remus looked back.

"We… look, it was wrong, but it was just what we were told about…" he didn't finish, but from his looking around, it was fear of others, not of the word. That was a good thing… right?

"It took me nearly dying to convince you otherwise?" It sounded harsher than he'd meant, and the two winced.

"Yeah…" Both were watching him warily, for an explosion, he supposed. Instead, he mulled over their words.

They'd left him, withdrawn and ignored him while he'd struggled. And all for some prejudice they couldn't see through. How could he forgive that?

But… they had stayed here for two days, watching him struggle back to life, apparently. That said something. But should it be enough to convince him?

They were apologizing, not asking for forgiveness. Sirius' face said he thought it was a lost cause. Even they knew this should be beyond redemption, past any point someone could simply say 'You're forgiven," and move on.

He'd never had friends, never trusted that they wouldn't realize what he was, somehow sense his inner nature. And they'd proved his every fear true, short of starting some kind of angry mob and chasing him out of the castle. But now they sat in front of him, waiting for _him_ to sever the relationship entirely, for _him _to decide that being a werewolf would keep him from having friends.

If they could now see past it, then he could look beyond the fact that it took them too long.

"What," he coughed again, "what we have here is a failure to communicate." The looks on their faces made him burst out in untroubled laughter, feeling lighter than he had in months.

Madam Pomfrey decided to come up at this point, Peter following closely on her heels and looking as bewildered as the others.

"You gave us all a scare there, Remus. How are you feeling?" She handed him a potion bottle. He drank it down and grimaced.

"Like I was coated in honey, left by an anthill, and then wrestled with a griffon over hot coals." She smiled at him, glancing over her shoulder before leaning towards him to check his injuries.

"They stayed here this whole time. That should say something. And you need to stop keeping secrets, dear. We need to know what will happen every moon." He smiled at her, and she looked back with relief.

"Oh thank heavens. I haven't seen you look happy in months!" She gave him another bottle, then turned and began to shoo the other three out of the room.

"He needs rest now! You can come back when he wakes up, but for now he needs to sleep, and I believe a meeting with the Headmaster will be called for." She got them out of the room, and Sirius managed to stay inside just long enough to call,

"We'll be back soon, Remus! With loads of chocolate!" He smiled at him, waving a bit while trying not to wince, then drank the potion and let his body fall onto the pillows.


End file.
